Can't get no...

It’s an old habit. The minute discontent worms its way into my heart is the very minute I sign back onto online dating sites. Next, I frantically search Craigslist for new jobs and new places to live. Finally I cruise through college websites to find something new to study. While this automatic response has led me into a variety of spontaneity and adventure, it rarely leads to contentment. I still dislike online dating intensely since I just cannot get a sense of a person from a website. And since I finally have a job in my field that I actually enjoy, there is no sense in looking for a new one. Only nuisance in the end if I actually get calls from the resumes I sent out in a fit of anxious energy. While I am indeed searching for a new place to live, I actually have a few options. I can choose to patiently wait out what comes from places I have already looked into. What is this discontent and why is it taking me over? It feels uncomfortable. It feels like a vast gaping hole that can never be filled. No amount of energy or pursuits chased after in an attempt to vanquish the feeling will actually quell it. Because the feeling is not the problem, yet the root of the feeling is. The root of the feeling is most often jealousy. I have a good, full and beautiful life. It does not look like the lives of the friends around me. I am working on enjoying the company of good friends disregarding the “fifth wheel” or “third wheel” stigma. Often when I forget about where I think I am supposed to be in comparison with others, I feel genuinely loved and embraced by the people in my life. How quickly that fades when I get sucked into comparison. If only I were married, then I could buy a house and never have to move again, and I wouldn’t feel so lonely. If only I made more money at my job, then I could travel to Europe on my time off. If only…the list could go on forever. Yet I have often heard others remark about my life. They wish they had my free time. My endless possibilities in where I go from here. I am not tied into a loveless marriage where loneliness can seem even more depressing than loneliness that comes from simply being without a partner. I cannot afford a trip to Europe, but I can afford the essentials. And I am finding that the more I embrace the beauty around me, the more relaxed and at peace I become. New adventures are waiting for me right here, in my life as it is now. That does not mean I can’t go on other adventures, just not out of that unsatisfied space. If I leave on an adventure already at peace in my heart, then the adventure will only deepen and encourage that peace. If I leave out of dissatisfaction, then that dissatisfaction will follow me until I release it. So much easier to embrace what is near me now with my arms open in anticipation rather than closed in fear.