Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Confessions of a Gleeker

Strumming the strings on the guitar flooded my mind with happy memories. Kind friends who pitched in together to buy that particular instrument for my graduation. Cute boys who taught me chords and strum patterns. Warm college days singing and making up new sounds just for the fun of it. Joy surrounded my heart and I smiled at the happy memories.
What is it about music that touches me? What is it about lyrics that grab me and make me finally feel understood?
Some of this musical nostalgia undoubtedly stems from my recent Netflix addiction to Glee. Bursting into song on any occasion with the drama of a soap opera, Glee is a fun indulgence.
I wish we could sing when we didn't know how to say what we are feeling. I suppose my kiddos at work would run out of my office if I asked them to sing out whatever was bothering them.
What is it that makes me afraid to sing out? What stops me from sharing my voice, my thoughts in song, with the world around me?
What stops you?
There are days when I feel so confident. I feel beautiful and smart and like every person I meet is fascinating, worth knowing. Funny how those two things go together. When I feel better about who I am, I feel better about who you are too.
It's been tough to feel confident lately. Another birthday is coming nearer. Although I've accomplished what I wanted to professionally. My dream of having a husband and a family feels even further away then it did before all my recent transitions.
My confidence in myself has to come from deep within. I don't have anyone telling me how beautiful I am on a regular basis. So I have to tell myself that I am beautiful, and I'm not always believable.
Expressing myself through music, through writing, through art, help me to see just a bit more clearly. Because the more I see myself as a confident, beautiful woman, the more I see you for your true beauty. So this post today is a reminder that you are an incredible human being, worthy of love and admiration.
Spread the beauty.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Butternut Squash

After a particularly challenging day at work, I'm learning to choose a new recipe to attempt. Today it's butternut squash and some kind of egg and sugar mixture. It's in the oven now.
Baking is solace because it allows me to actually watch something I touch turn into something better, something tasty.
All these separate ingredients aren't particularly fabulous on their own. Raw eggs aren't even technically allowed to be eaten anymore. Sad day when that was decreed. Not that it stopped any of us from stealing cookie dough out of mom's bowl.
Sometimes working with people feels like I'm only working with one ingredient. And I only get to play one part. Most of my work is built on hope.
The hope that my small part in a kids life is enough to add to the pieces in their life. Enough to at least get them through a rough patch even if it's messy. I get a glimpse. I am thankful for that glimpse. Heartbroken too at times. So incredible that kids survive and even thrive right where they are at.
Today I'm leaning on hope. I have to. I have to trust that something bigger than me cares so much more for these kids than I do. I have to trust that one day at least most of them will find how to live their life in the absolute best way they know how.
And I have to leave it at that.
So here's to all the people who choose to be kind. You may never know how far a kindness can go. You may never know the fullness of the part you played. But I hope, that when life is rough for you, someone is kind to you too.
Oooh, something smells really good. Time to get that butternut squash out of the oven and enjoy a completed project.