One of my favorite things about the week between Christmas and New Years is that I get a chance to reflect. I am one of those girls who finds journaling in coffee shops satisfying. After several soy hazelnut lattes, I am hopeful and excited for the year to come.
This past year has held many changes. Literal in the sense of finally snagging that elusive MA. Figuratively in the sense of shedding the role of student for the role of professional. I still like using the word professional, just for fun. Yet the biggest struggles I have found are in what to do with all that time I used to spend studying. I'm pretty sure I had friends and hobbies before I went back for more education.
Now I find myself on yet another journey of rediscovery. Who am I without school? Who do I want to be? How do I find the confidence to continue to pursue the dreams I still have for my life?
Sometimes it is far easier to go home at night, shut the door and turn on the television. And even though it is often reruns of Gilmore Girls, one of the best shows ever produced I must say, I know that I'm not done dreaming.
That thought excites me and encourages me. It's good to know I can still dream. Good to know there is life after school. Good to know I'm not done yet.
And neither, dear friends, are you.
A quote from the beginning and end of that fabulous chick flick, Pretty Woman.
"What's your dream? What's your dream? This is Hollywood, everybody's got a dream."
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Lessons from Middle School Girls
"When I am mean to people, my heart hurts." The middle school girl sitting across from me has stunned me before with her insight. Yet this phrase resounded with me in a deep way. Too often we, ok, I refuse to take responsibility for my involvement in hurting people around me.
This girl has experienced a deep and painful loss in her young life. Instead of turning bitter and angry she is becoming more and more kind.
It is easy to remember what is difficult about my job. The kids that are stuck in painful places and all I can say is, "well, what can you control?" It is easy to feel like there isn't enough I can do to make sure they are safe in their homes.
Then there are days like that. The days where remarkably a student has made a crucial connection about the way his or her world works. Something small changes, yet their whole world is different.
When I get the profound privilege of witnessing those changes, I am learning to let that remind me that people can change. Kids can find enough strength to survive another day, come to school and actually try in that tough class.
Pessimism is easy. Giving up is easy. Being sad is easy. I think that's why I so often spend time dwelling on sadness. I don't think ignoring it is the answer.
When you are late for work and somehow every light is red. You get so frustrated, how could this possibly be happening, you want to shout. The thing is, that maybe you get that many red lights when you are on time to work too, you just didn't notice.
The good is out there too. Sometimes I just don't notice.
This girl has experienced a deep and painful loss in her young life. Instead of turning bitter and angry she is becoming more and more kind.
It is easy to remember what is difficult about my job. The kids that are stuck in painful places and all I can say is, "well, what can you control?" It is easy to feel like there isn't enough I can do to make sure they are safe in their homes.
Then there are days like that. The days where remarkably a student has made a crucial connection about the way his or her world works. Something small changes, yet their whole world is different.
When I get the profound privilege of witnessing those changes, I am learning to let that remind me that people can change. Kids can find enough strength to survive another day, come to school and actually try in that tough class.
Pessimism is easy. Giving up is easy. Being sad is easy. I think that's why I so often spend time dwelling on sadness. I don't think ignoring it is the answer.
When you are late for work and somehow every light is red. You get so frustrated, how could this possibly be happening, you want to shout. The thing is, that maybe you get that many red lights when you are on time to work too, you just didn't notice.
The good is out there too. Sometimes I just don't notice.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Thoughts on Advent
Anyone who knows me knows that I love Christmas. I love the way lights change a typical Boulder street to a festive, magical place full of possibility. I love the way people’s thoughts turn to generosity and compassion. I love the gentle strains of a chorus of “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” sung by Bing Crosby of course.
As a counselor though, I am becoming more and more aware that Christmas is not as beautiful for everyone as it is for me. I know children who would rather be at school than at home. No one beats them for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time at school. Free and reduced lunch programs ensure at least one meal a day. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our personal worlds of hurt and disillusionment that it’s too easy to forget those around us struggling just to put food on the table.
During this season of advent, my goal has been to be content. To let the joy of the season wash over me and fill me. I don’t want to be pulled into dreams of wanting more than I have. I want to revel in the sweetness of the way my life is, now, today.
It’s incredibly easy to wallow, even in the face of the profession I have chosen, on a daily basis. I sink back into dwelling on the things that are missing from my life. A husband. A family. A newer car. One of those iphones that everyone seems to have but me. Suddenly, instead of enjoying this magical season, I find myself miserable. Selfish. Bitter.
The thing is, that I don’t want to feel that way this season. And I don’t want to wait to get those things I just listed in order to feel happy.
The deepest reason I love Christmas is the story it is based on. The story of a woman choosing an impossible task. A woman becoming center stage in a time when women were often hidden behind men. This woman, Mary, chooses to allow Love to inhabit her body. No matter what you believe, the story behind Christmas is one of the most incredibly compassionate stories ever passed down for centuries. God decides that heaven isn’t close enough to knowing the people on earth, so he decides to visit in a bizarre way, yes. In a way that doesn’t completely make sense. He comes as a baby. He goes from knowing everything to relying on others for food and comfort. The reason I love Christmas so much is that it is about an extreme act of love. An act of love that if allowed can change all of our bitter, wanting hearts to hearts of gratitude and joy.
This advent, instead of bitterness, I am choosing thankfulness. I am thankful for my job. It’s not just a job; it is a place where I get the profound privilege of working with teenagers. They let me into their lives and hopefully let me help them even just a little bit. They are constantly teaching me too. I am thankful for my dog, Java. She makes coming home fun. She makes me play in the snow. She reminds me to relax. I am thankful for my family. They are beautiful people, and I am so glad they are in my life. I am thankful for my dear friends all over the country. They inspire me and encourage me.
My life is full. And in response to the grand act of love inspiring this season, I’m choosing to be influenced and hopefully filled by this love.
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