Summer lovin'

Inspired to write tonight, though not quite sure about what. Summer has seduced me with sunshine, flowers and a joyful break from a job I love yet often emotionally exhausts me. Time has slowed just a touch and has filled with playing outside on my recently repaired bicycle or reading my favorite books. I am finding myself later and later to intentional gatherings simply due to a complete dissociation from hours and minutes. 

Life is good right now. And I am soaking it in and letting it swirl around me. I know that all of life is a process and that includes good seasons and difficult seasons. Because this one is so good and filled with love, I am noticing on purpose. Acknowledging the goodness instead of letting it pass ignored for the things that wear me down. 

I was told this weekend that I love joyfully and passionately even while understanding that things on this earth do not last forever. That was an incredibly accurate description. Today I feel the sweetness of being surrounded by love. I know that may not be the same for everyone reading this, but my wish for you is that if there is even a glimpse in your life of love - that you would hold onto it with passion and joy while it is in your midst. Enjoy, soak in the love around you. Let it heal you and hold you. You are not alone.

Can't get no...

It’s an old habit. The minute discontent worms its way into my heart is the very minute I sign back onto online dating sites. Next, I frantically search Craigslist for new jobs and new places to live. Finally I cruise through college websites to find something new to study. While this automatic response has led me into a variety of spontaneity and adventure, it rarely leads to contentment. I still dislike online dating intensely since I just cannot get a sense of a person from a website. And since I finally have a job in my field that I actually enjoy, there is no sense in looking for a new one. Only nuisance in the end if I actually get calls from the resumes I sent out in a fit of anxious energy. While I am indeed searching for a new place to live, I actually have a few options. I can choose to patiently wait out what comes from places I have already looked into. What is this discontent and why is it taking me over? It feels uncomfortable. It feels like a vast gaping hole that can never be filled. No amount of energy or pursuits chased after in an attempt to vanquish the feeling will actually quell it. Because the feeling is not the problem, yet the root of the feeling is. The root of the feeling is most often jealousy. I have a good, full and beautiful life. It does not look like the lives of the friends around me. I am working on enjoying the company of good friends disregarding the “fifth wheel” or “third wheel” stigma. Often when I forget about where I think I am supposed to be in comparison with others, I feel genuinely loved and embraced by the people in my life. How quickly that fades when I get sucked into comparison. If only I were married, then I could buy a house and never have to move again, and I wouldn’t feel so lonely. If only I made more money at my job, then I could travel to Europe on my time off. If only…the list could go on forever. Yet I have often heard others remark about my life. They wish they had my free time. My endless possibilities in where I go from here. I am not tied into a loveless marriage where loneliness can seem even more depressing than loneliness that comes from simply being without a partner. I cannot afford a trip to Europe, but I can afford the essentials. And I am finding that the more I embrace the beauty around me, the more relaxed and at peace I become. New adventures are waiting for me right here, in my life as it is now. That does not mean I can’t go on other adventures, just not out of that unsatisfied space. If I leave on an adventure already at peace in my heart, then the adventure will only deepen and encourage that peace. If I leave out of dissatisfaction, then that dissatisfaction will follow me until I release it. So much easier to embrace what is near me now with my arms open in anticipation rather than closed in fear.

Resilience is Powerful

Often in this first year of counseling I have been slammed with emotions. Constantly trying to find the balance between empathy and detachment. Somedays I really struggle to leave the kids at work, metaphorically speaking. I know the boundaries in this work are important. I need those lines for the sake of my own mental health.
Yet I get so frustrated at my limitations. I can't adopt every heartbroken kid. Or even my favorites. I can't take that girl to her appointment even though I have a working car and her mother does not. Lines of poverty cross at every turn of this work. Despair too can overwhelm me if I'm not constantly letting go. And even when I do, it can still take me over. I am human after all.
I am finding though, that the struggles I see are not the end of the story. I am finding empathy in these little broken hearts for others in similar situations. I am finding future dreams strong enough to fight for.
A gang kid explaining how he's found friends that don't do drugs and instead make music. Unaware of what incredible progress that is, what a beautiful step towards health that is. A girl who has been through so much explaining how she wants to raise money for kids with cancer using her talents of art and writing.
I am learning that there is more than one way for someone to become more of who they really are. I am learning that these kids remember that one person who loved them well in their lives, a grandmother, a teacher, a pastor, a friend's sister or mother. I am learning the power of looking someone in the eyes and telling him or her that he is totally capable. That the words he writes, and the things he says matter.
I no longer feel alone in this work. If any of you have ever loved a child, you are a hero. You could be the link. That safe place where a kid feels loved and able to dream. I see so much pain, but I am beginning to see the most beautiful little seeds of hope sprouting. It's not the end all success story, but it's enough.

Plans

Before spring break, people in various places in my life inevitably asked what my plans were. I would internally glare at them. Who told them to ask that question? How did they know I had no plans at all?
Although I tend to be easy going and open to new adventures, not having plans often makes me feel like some sort of social outcast. Plagued by shows like Sex in the City, I feel that these glorious single years were supposed to be spent in some fantastic New York loft with expensive pink drinks every night and a handsome new escort every weekend.
Instead my life is just a touch more modest than Hollywood. And my week without plans still turned out to be full of everything I needed most.
Learning new skills at the climbing gym with a friend turned instructor for the day. Deep conversation with new friends. Reconnection with old friends. New unexplored hikes. Old familiar trails too. A day at the slopes with my favorite sister. A dinner with my dad and whole family to celebrate his birthday. Lots of rest and time spent reading. Lots of journaling and time to dream.
The minute I allowed my preconception of what it should be shatter, it became exactly what my heart actually needed.
I wonder if most of my discontent comes from what I think things should be like, instead of enjoying what is. Because the truth is, that life is full and good. Even in the hard rocky places, joy can bubble out in the most unexpected cracks. But if I only look at the rock, I miss the beauty of the stream.
So here's to plans that don't work out, and looking for those streams right in front of me.

Hopelessness is an illusion

Sinking into contentment feels so good and comforting after wandering and searching. Holding onto hope is challenging. Often it feels that the minute I begin to hope is the minute yet another story of some unspeakable atrocity committed against children slams into me.
Illness. Death. Rape. Lost jobs. Lost relationships. Sometimes it seems that hope, not hopelessness is the illusion. Sometimes I wonder how human beings can inflict so much pain on each other in the most tender and breakable places.
I guess that's what makes real hope so incredibly poignant. Because the truth about hope is that it endures in the darkest places.
Children who experience assault and yet continue to fight for their innocence by not giving up on their life and their dreams. People who stand on the sidelines and cheer friends and family facing constant life and death decisions regarding cancer. Artists who tell stories for those who have not yet found a way to share their voices. In the darkest places, hope shines the brightest.
One kind act can illuminate the faces of others who also have the capacity for kindness. Isn't it amazing how bright one candle is in total darkness?
What if we dared to hope? Not in ignorance of the realities of this world, but because in these realities there are so many tales of heroines and heroes.
I am so privileged to know such beautiful stories of courage. A kid who battles internally with the concept of following family into gang life, yet writes such compelling stories of truth and insight. Another kid who grows up so fast in losing a dear cousin yet finds meaning in helping others who have experienced similar painful losses. Friends who fight for their relationships with loyalty and bravery.
See, the truth is that when it comes to hope, the smallest spark matters. So keep hoping friends, and may courage and kindness guide your actions. You are so deeply loved.

29.

Maybe 29 won't be so bad. I know exactly what my dreams are, and I am finally beginning to build confidence that my dreams may actually be achievable. I still get carded so at least I still look closer to 20 than 30.
I actually like my friends because I handpick who I spend time with now. Each of them are unique and interesting in their own ways. Each of them teach me something new about the world we live in. Some of them make me laugh. Others are around for the heartaches that come with the field I work in and the way I choose to live - authentic and open.
I go to church now because I actually want to. No one tells me to go, and even if they did it wouldn't matter. I actually really like my independence and where I am at in life.
I am still young enough that my dreams are possible, attainable. I am old enough to hopefully make better decisions about my future.
My parents laugh when I say I feel older this year. I get it. I know in the scheme of it all, I am not THAT old. It's just the first time in my life I feel like maybe I won't be young forever.
Some say age is just a number. Maybe it is. Some say age adds wisdom. Maybe it does.
The truth is that my generation will quickly become in charge. Soon I will see my peers running for office instead of older white men that often appear to have no idea what actually occurs for the rest of us.
Will we continue this path we are on of choosing the bottom line over the well-being of real life human beings? Or will we do something new and different?
Will we be able to pick up on the good things set in motion before us yet discern what must change?
Will I get to live in a society that figures out how to fund both education and care and protection for the elderly without taking those funds from homeless shelters?
I don't know. But I certainly hope so.
Suddenly 29 seems very young indeed.

Duck Medicine

All is calm on the surface. Barely a ripple. Ducks are an incredible example of peace on the outside, mad struggle underneath.
My dad explained this concept to me. When firefighters find themselves in a new or scary situation, they appear calm yet underneath they are scrambling. Hence the term; Duck medicine. That phrase is comforting and revealing. I suppose we all feel that way sometimes. Even big strong firemen.
Lately I have felt that way more often than I would like to admit. Storm below the surface, calm on the outside. Trying to patch holes in the titanic before it sinks.
Not that I'm sinking, not exactly. Just paddling hard to stay in the current.
Sometimes it's hard to trust that good things will come. Sometimes it's hard to believe that the work I do really does make a difference. Sometimes it's hard to feel at home in a new place in life. A new phase.
The thing about school is that I had an identity in it all. Student. If I didn't have plans on the weekend that was actually beneficial to my grades.
Now I find myself in a place of rediscovery. What do I fill my time with now? How do I find purpose in the small things now that my big purpose finding a career had finally become part of my life?
I'm not sure how to answer these questions today. But I'll keep on paddling until I find my current.